Gavin Allan
Well-Known Member
SANTA RENEGOTIATES HIS CONTRACT.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
As part of the new and better contract, I also got longer breaks for milk
and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your
children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens
to be my cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls, however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such
as:
1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please "have an
empty spit can handy."
3) Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen," when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
Elliott and Petty."
5) "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heer'd dat!"
6) As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off."
7) The usual Christmas music classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,
8) Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
As part of the new and better contract, I also got longer breaks for milk
and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your
children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens
to be my cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls, however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such
as:
1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please "have an
empty spit can handy."
3) Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen," when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
Elliott and Petty."
5) "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heer'd dat!"
6) As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off."
7) The usual Christmas music classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,
8) Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
