GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN 
This is the time of year when we think back to the
very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar,
Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him
gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them
carefully, we discover an important, yet often
overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of
wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have
said so:
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of
Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth
it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth,
'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which
means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT
wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts
had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand
the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody
else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion:
This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to
be there when the person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but
as a matter of principle never takes more than 15
seconds per gift.
"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy
wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones
that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my
motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can
take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the
exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of
a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done
folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the
gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector
with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of
mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be
covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch
square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo
plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which
to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills
like
having babies that come more naturally to women than
to men. That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already
wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift,
neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that
it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an
item on how to make your own wrapping paper by
printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half
horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the
wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a
festive visual effect that is sure to delight the
lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the
tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!<B
This is the time of year when we think back to the
very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar,
Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and,
according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him
gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them
carefully, we discover an important, yet often
overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of
wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have
said so:
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of
paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of
Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth
it away, but Mary saideth unto him, she saideth,
'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the
baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the
frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which
means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT
wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts
had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand
the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody
else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion:
This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a
gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to
be there when the person opens it."
The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but
as a matter of principle never takes more than 15
seconds per gift.
"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy
wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones
that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my
motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can
take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the
exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of
a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done
folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the
gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector
with a marking pen.)
If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of
mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be
covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch
square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo
plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes
wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which
to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each
individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills
like
having babies that come more naturally to women than
to men. That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already
wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift,
neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that
it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an
item on how to make your own wrapping paper by
printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half
horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the
wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one
of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a
festive visual effect that is sure to delight the
lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the
tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!<B
