Gerry Mac
Well-Known Member
A very sad day for Bagpipers all over the world.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands of people are killed, maimed or annoyed by bagpipes. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by drummers standing within reach of the deadly instrument are truly shocking...not to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing problems reported by Celtic musicians of all types.
There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of bagpipes and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential bagpipe lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called “trigger lock†on chanters! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted by the shiny black, seductive drones of an unattended instrument in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves. The owner's feeble “I didn't know the case was unlocked†is no excuse! Bagpipes should be stored out of reach of children.
Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase bagpipes - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of registered bagpipe offenders and piping addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Henderson lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the “sawed-off†bagpipes or “smallpipesâ€. Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying concealed smallpipes a Class A felony.
Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nationwide ban of electricians tape, the indiscriminate use of hemp and unsupervised emptying of water traps on public property - a filthy, unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu this year. One popular response to the spread of delinquent behaviour is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those using bagpipes while committing a crime ("Use bagpipes - Go to jail").
Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eyewitnesses reported as bagpipes were really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new “Three drones, you're out†statutes that have already been approved by many state legislatures.
Of course the synthetic-reed models are much more dangerous than the traditional cane reeds. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles, signed by representatives of every civilized country of the period.
You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of the Transatlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe. It is believed that the new sources of these WMDs are isolated factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass drone could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.
Remember: When bagpipes are outlawed, only outlaws will play ,“Amazing Grace.â€
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Each year thousands of people are killed, maimed or annoyed by bagpipes. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder injuries sustained by drummers standing within reach of the deadly instrument are truly shocking...not to mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing problems reported by Celtic musicians of all types.
There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of bagpipes and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential bagpipe lobby is, of course, opposed to this. There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called “trigger lock†on chanters! Every year there are reports of hundreds of innocent children, attracted by the shiny black, seductive drones of an unattended instrument in an unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves. The owner's feeble “I didn't know the case was unlocked†is no excuse! Bagpipes should be stored out of reach of children.
Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase bagpipes - which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law enforcement officials to cross-check the purchaser's name against an International list of registered bagpipe offenders and piping addicts, have been repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Henderson lobby. Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in crimes involving use of the “sawed-off†bagpipes or “smallpipesâ€. Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New York and California, to make carrying concealed smallpipes a Class A felony.
Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that simply need stricter enforcement - such as the 1932 nationwide ban of electricians tape, the indiscriminate use of hemp and unsupervised emptying of water traps on public property - a filthy, unsanitary habit which will help spread the flu this year. One popular response to the spread of delinquent behaviour is the imposition of mandatory longer sentences for those using bagpipes while committing a crime ("Use bagpipes - Go to jail").
Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eyewitnesses reported as bagpipes were really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon. Strict enforcement has been especially effective when used in conjunction with the new “Three drones, you're out†statutes that have already been approved by many state legislatures.
Of course the synthetic-reed models are much more dangerous than the traditional cane reeds. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of Versailles, signed by representatives of every civilized country of the period.
You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an integral part of the Transatlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite America and Europe. It is believed that the new sources of these WMDs are isolated factories in rural areas of China. The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass drone could never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the right to keep and bear arms.
Remember: When bagpipes are outlawed, only outlaws will play ,“Amazing Grace.â€
