The Female Demerit System

[Gavin Allan]

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.



Here is a guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES



You make the bed (+1)



You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)



You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)



You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)



But return with beer (-5)



You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)



You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)



You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)



You pummel it with iron rod (+10)



It's her pet (-20)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS



You stay by her side the entire party (0)



You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)



Named Tina (-10)



Tina is a dancer (-20)



Tina has silicone implants (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY



You take her out to dinner (+2)



You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)



Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)



And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)



It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT



You take her to a movie (+1)



You take her to a movie she likes (+3)



You take her to a movie you hate (+6)



You take her to a movie you like (-2)



It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)



You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE



You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)



You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)



You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)



You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)



THE BIG QUESTION



She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)



You hesitate in responding (-10)



You reply, "Where?" (-35)



Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION



When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)



You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)



You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)



She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

 

[Bill V]

Sorry, this doesn't ring true. Simply because you said, "You don't get any points for doing something she expects." That would mean that there wouldn't be a single item on this list with a positive number--every @#$%ing seemingly "positive" thing on this list is "expected" by most women...

 

[Gavin Allan]

Good point. :sad:

 

[Bill V]

But for the record--yes, it's funny. :grin::supercool:

 

[Kevin Lang]

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

Sadly, I'd expect a negative response to violence from most women. So maybe it's the massively Freudian nature of the violence which gets the +10 pts??

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)



You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

I tried this with Taken, which was the best movie of 2009 that I recall. A plausible action movie with a plot that did not try to be unbelievably grandiose. Great movie, not a great idea.



And yes, it is hilarious.



And in the other thread, it was said that women cause you less stress. :bwahaha:

 

[Robert Caffyn]

I have accumulated so many negative points, that I'll be in the hole till the day I die! You're right Bill. Bob :banghead::banghead:

 

[EddieS'04]

No wonder I have had 3 divorces..:bwahaha:

 

[H D]

I'm debating the points I'll gain or lose for sharing this with my fiance. Will she laugh and I gain points or will she be upset and I lose points?



Why does it seem this is a daily question I ask myself? Actually, I'm guilty of not asking myself this and just acting. We don't always find the same things quite as hilarious.

 

[David Ponder]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!



You mean she has been keeping score for the last TWENTY FIVE years???



Oh Crap... THAT explains a LOT!