Gavin Allan
Well-Known Member
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the
time it takes you to
say, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their
holes until you die of old age
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
setting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the
grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the
bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt
to lever an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood,
especially Douglas
fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see
if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog
feces from your
boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps
off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
testing the tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to
disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor
mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning
booth. Sometimes
called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might
be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt;
can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off the interiors of
Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms
it into
compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic
impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by
someone at
suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against that
freshly painted part you were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the
time it takes you to
say, "SH**!!!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their
holes until you die of old age
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
setting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the
grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the
bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for
impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt
to lever an
automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood,
especially Douglas
fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see
if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog
feces from your
boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps
off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
testing the tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to
disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor
mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning
booth. Sometimes
called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D,
"the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might
be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the
lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt;
can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off the interiors of
Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy
produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms
it into
compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic
impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by
someone at
