Kevin Palmer
Well-Known Member
This may be old news to all you engineer types, but I got a kick out
of it...sent to me by a friend...
=====================================
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine
useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where
nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make
studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off
bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric
sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One
of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after
pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall
integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut
good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for
opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering
your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to
crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too
short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a
weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent
the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMN-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling
'DAMN-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.
