Wayne Foy
Active Member
George Carlin's 16 New Rules for 2006!
New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
LUCKY.
New Rule #4: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a
kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're
a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule #5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #6: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #7: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #8: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge one.
New Rule #9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no,
I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule #10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your behind. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule #11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."
New Rule #12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule #13: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you
have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in
the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to
be a movie.
New Rule #14: No more gift registries. You know, it
used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and
new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
looting.
New Rule #15: and this one is long ove
New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule #2: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule #3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
LUCKY.
New Rule #4: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a
kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're
a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule #5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule #6: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule #7: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule #8: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge one.
New Rule #9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no,
I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is
standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule #10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your behind. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.
New Rule #11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's
one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised
the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."
New Rule #12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule #13: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you
have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we
can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in
the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to
be a movie.
New Rule #14: No more gift registries. You know, it
used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and
new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
looting.
New Rule #15: and this one is long ove
