JOHN TLOCKOWSKI
Member
This story should win an award. It brought tears to my eye's when I read it.
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you
will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
future.
Here goes...
Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something
really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a
clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time
to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!
Yipeeeeee!
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to
her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave is.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second
and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the
other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!"
Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
