Was just reading about an accident using tools. so thought it was appropriate

[Chad Merry]

I have posted this before, but it still makes me laugh everytime I read it. I need to start adding some of my goofs, as I have done nearly everything on this list.



Tools And Their REAL Uses





DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against

that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes

fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about

the time it takes you to say, "Yeou ......."



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.



SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation

of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to

transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the

conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.



WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

½ socket you've been searching for, for the last 45 minutes.



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile

upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.



TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any

known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible

future use.



RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops

to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.



TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes

called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine

vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health

benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at

about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,

say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark

than light, its name is somewhat misleading.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under

lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing

oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to

strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel<

 

[Teri Reed]

Hadn't seen that before. That was funny.

Thankfully I have an safety mechanism in my genes that kicks in to remind me of my limitations and provide a healthy respect for continuing to live so I have never experienced most of the list. It sounds something like this.................



"Seriously?"

"You think that is a good idea?"

"Remember that time you thought it was a "good" idea to grab the interlocking pin as they were cranking the retractable side of the motor van closed? And you almost lost part of a finger?"

"What about the time it seemed like a good idea for you and a friend to cut down a tree by yourself?"

"How did those work out for you?"

"Now move along to the phone and get the appropriate people to complete the project."

 

[Mark Potterf]

Funny stuff well written. I will copy and past it to all my friends. thanks

 

[A K]

["What about the time it seemed like a good idea for you and a friend to cut down a tree by yourself?"]



That is a big one. The amount of force a tree exerts on the trunk when cut is unbelievable. I've seen an oak (big oak--forest type) that, when it began to fall, jumped about 8 feet to the left onto the ground. Absolutely unbelievable.

 

[Bill Koonce]

True story:



A friend of mine from college got his BSME and a job with General Motors. My friend, a fully accredited and licensed mechanical engineer, working for what was then still the largest automaker in the world, lost a finger when he stuck his hand into the engine of his company car while the engine was running.



Again, this is a completely true story.

 

[Dreman]

Arrogance in engineers about mechanical things is a time honored tradition, usually driven out of an engineer by various dangerous methods until he finally "gets it" that no matter how well he thinks it works, something in there is doing it's own thing. Being an engineer, I know how hard that can be to accomplish! Raised by my machine operator dad, I have always had a healthy respect for the ornery ways of mechanical devices.



My dad told me a story about an engineer that designed a machine to do a certain task, and there was a hole in the machine near the operator. Operators being curious people, one stuck his finger in the hole one day, only to have part of that finger removed. Notice of the situation made it's way through channels to the very engineer that designed the machine, who proceeded to state that there was no possible way that anything could have cut that operator's finger off in that hole, and proceeded to stick his own finger in the hole to prove it. He then promptly lost his own finger! Hopefully he learned from the experience.