OT: Nanny vs Au pair vs Day care

[Jeffrey Travis]

Does anyone have any experience (good, bad, indifferent) regarding using a nanny or au pair?



The wife and I both work and I do not see us being able to 'maintain our current standard of life' if one of us stops. Currently have a 1.5 yr old in daycare and the 7 year old goes to the same place for after school. Come June when #3 arrives it may become a better financial decision to use a nanny or au pair (the au pair way seems like it will be better $$).



Just looking to see what kind of experiences people have had and not just taking care of the little ones but assisting the older kids with homework, shuffling them to 'events' (sports, etc).



And please no replies regarding the one incident with the Au Pair in Boston - isolated incident.



Thanks,



JT#14

 

[Thomas Rogers]

Au Pair is typically the cheapest and will allow you to most likely keep your current "standard of life", but it does require that you have an extra room in your house for the au pair to live in.



Our neighbors down the street have used an au pair for years (on their third). The biggest problem for them was that their youngest got really attached to their last one that left, and it was like losing a mother. For our neighbors, she is a doctor (md), he a phd chemist, and they live in a 3 story, 3600 sq ft home.



Daycare for 2 kids and one kid part-time would typically be very costly. It takes a very high 2nd salary to compensate for that added costs.



One last thought: Many, many people convince themselves they have to have two incomes, and many do. But many do not, and once you consider the costs of a 2nd car, business clothes, business lunches, daycare, extra toys, extra vacations, increased dining out, and they really aren't that much money ahead at the end of the month.



My wife went back to work this last year, for the first time in years, and it is actually costing us more (because we have to send my daughter to a private school for FT kindergarten, or public for 1/2 and then pay for 1/2 day daycare...either way, we lose). But she is working to gain experience (an investment).



Whatever you choose, make sure its the decision you BOTH want.



TJR

 

[Kevin Palmer]

For eight years we had the same woman come to our house every day. If we were home we would get the kids going in the morning. If we left before they woke then Karen did what was needed. She literally is a second mom to our girls.



She had a game plan every day that include play time, read time and school time.



Her pay flexed depending on the season and what not. Basically, she got 150 a week and was fantastic for us.



We paid her even if we as a family were home or on vacation and what not.



Her coming to our home was priceless. No way to put a value on that kind of convenience....



Although you can write off child care, we didnt as we did not know if she claimed the income.

 

[Jeffrey Travis]

Coastie - If I could get hooked up for $150 a week that would be the way to go but it seems that Nannie's are looking at $12-18/hour.



TJR - the biggest reason to maintain two of us working is insurance. Companies leaving town/downsizing/re-orging has had me since 1999 go from GE to SLB to Home Depot to Prenova to now a contract position (with benefits but not good ones) at Federated. Too volatile.



The wife is a AVP for the Bank of N. GA, which is owned by Synovus which is #98 on the Money best places to work. Good insurance, she makes good $$ & she has been there for 15 years - I see no reason for her to leave that.



{Flashback} And I do remember years ago being out for a cold one (on Water St. in Roch) with a buddy one night and meeting a group of Swedish Au Pairs and one in particular named Ulrika.....WOW! Not that I would be tempted but I do have single friends!



JT#14

 

[Jeffrey Travis]

I should have expected such an answer the board 'prick'.



Please do not put your $.04 (yes, it is always more than you should) in where it adds nothing to the conversation. Do not speak for others using 'we' - I will go out on a limb and speak for 'the group' and say no one on this board wants you saying anything for them.



Of your 1594 posts it would be nice if 1 or 2 actually had some value.



Do not question my parenting. Tell me, have you ever gone to your child's schoool and read to the class? Belong to the PTA? Have you coached 7 seasons of baseball & 2 of baskbetball and he is only 7? Do you have a weekend tradition of taking the kids out for breakfast so the wife can relax, read a book, take a shower in peace?



Did you home school your kids? If no, then you really did not raise them either.



So what do you believe - we should just leave them at home alone while we work? Yes, I believe in tough love but that is a bit much.



If you have the same lack of respect for you kids as you do for people on this board I would sleep with one eye open.



And know I will do what we all should do - MUTE Q. I will not read another post from you.



JT#14



p.s. Note all questions are rhetorical as I will not read your post, I just want you to think about a few things and maybe you can become a better person. I know I will be by not reading your ignorance.

 

[Thomas Rogers]

Travis,



Yes, I was going to mention that for many people, the reason for two incomes is because the wife has the job with the medical insurance. This is often the case for men who run their own small businesses. I understand that dynamic quite well.



I was self-employed for two years and have had many a job lately with uncertain futures. The insurance issue has always loomed large.



Good luck!



TJR

 

[CountyMounty]

JT#14 we are in a similiar situation although we only have 1 child at the moment the second will probably come in a year or so. He is 6 months and starts day care next week. It was a tough decision to make. I wish we had the choice of a nanny or Au pair but we live in a very rural area and they just do not exist. I work a lot of nights and my wife works days so right now we are both getting very little sleep and trying to get our son on a schedule is almost impossible so we finally decided we needed day care for the benefit of all of us. He will only go three days a week but it will cost $100 a week which is the standard price in our area. I agree with what TJR said about the 2 income thing and currently my wife could stay home and I could work a little OT and money wise we would be alright for a while but the future is what we are thinking about. My job provides excellent benefits but the pay is not as good as the wife's, she also works at a bank, and is on the upward move, there is no doubt that if she continues her performance she will become a VP in a couple years, if she stops now it may never happen. In my line of work even the top supervisors earn peanuts compared to bank execs.



If at all possible see if there might be a family member or friend who is willing to do it for you. Maybe someone who lives in the neighborhood and is a stay at home mom or wants to be (with just one child would be best as she would be taking on a lot of responsibility.) That is what we wanted but no luck, no family members who do not work and about the only stay at home moms around here are on welfare. All of our friends who have children use daycare because the two incomes are needed. Maybe you will have better luck.



There are many people like Q who preach the raise your own kids thing. We would like nothing more then to do that but it just cant be done, there are bills to pay and a new house in our future. We will raise our children how we feel fit. There will be plenty of weekend camping and fishing trips in my sons future to get in that family time.

 

[Bill V]

Travis--



After readiing your descriptions of your and your wife's current employment situations, I want to ask--any thought to having YOU stay home, and live off one income--HERS--for a while? You get to keep her insurance and job stability, you avoid the cost of the daycare, nanny, or au pair, and you get to forego your personal volatile employment situation for a while.



Yeah, if you could get Coastie's $150/week for the whole family deal, that would be the way to go--but that pricing seems very unrealistic (at least in the current decade, in the region where I live). Around here, daycare typically runs $150-$200 per week per kid--and that's for private, in-home daycares. Places that are businesses in their own buildings (KinderCare, etc.) run significantly more than that. Coastie, when/and where did you get pricing like that? 1950's in rural West Virginia?



Maybe someone on here can help me out--the term "au pair" is not used in our part of the country, AT ALL. Most people around here first ever heard the term when that case from Boston was on the news a year or two ago. Back then, I (and I think most people I know) had just come to assume that "au pair" was just a snobby way of saying "nanny". But Travis's question makes it sound like where he lives, "au pair" and "nanny" are two different things. Can someone help explain the difference?

 

[Tom Schindler]

"au pair" is a live in person, from another country, that takes care of your children, like a nanny would, but is given a place to live and a small allowance. The person taking care of your chidren are to be treated as one of your own children.



Look it up at the link below.





Tom

 

[Bill V]

Thanks Caymen! I've now learned my one thing for today--I'm ready to go home.

 

[Thomas Rogers]

Bill V,



As Caymen said, Nanny and Au Pair are different. Typically a nanny comes to your home for the day and watches your kid while the parents work. Sometimes you hear the term "live-in" nanny which is like a regular nanny, except they live in the house. An au pair is a live-in nanny, but from another country. There are organizations and agencies that broker au pair services.



Bill V, I'm surprised that the term isn't used in your part of the country, because that would imply that au pairs are rare there. I am not sure what that means about where you live Bill V. Any area that has a large number of two-income, professional spouses is typically ripe for au pair services.



TJR

 

[Dreman]

Many men HAVE to work, even if their wife makes more than enough to support the two of them. For most men, it's part of who we are. It's a large part of our identity. My mother quite often made more than my father, but he always worked. If you had suggested to him that he stay home while she worked, he would have looked at you likw you were crazy. He supported us all while she went to college, and supported her desire for a career, but it never entered his mind to quit when she graduated.



While the numbers may say it's better, a man's peace of mind may suffer, and therefore his family would suffer.



P.S. My father retired years ago, then went back to work sometime later. He didn't like retirement. My father-in-law did the same thing. Both are working today.

 

[Bill V]

TJR, I know some people who have "live-in nannies", that, as you said, sound just like "au pairs", but most of them are from the US. My wife was one when she was in college and shortly thereafter. However, even the ones that aren't from the US are called "live-in nannies". They may actually be au pairs, for all I know, but they just don't use the term because they realize that people around here aren't familiar with it. Or maybe the au pair agencies just haven't established a presence here, and therefore there is no knowledge or demand for them. Or maybe it's because unlike Boston and other au pair regions, the Twin Cities doesn't have a lot of major colleges (other than the U of M, which is primarily a commuter school), which means the education link to au pair services isn't present. Who knows.

 

[Bill V]

dreman, I understand what you're saying. But I also know that a lot of men are secure enough in their masculinity to be able to be stay-at-home dads, and they are rapidly growing in numbers. I wanted to make sure that Travis at least considered the option if it's viable for them. If it's not right for them financially, or if he, like many men, aren't comfortable doing it (and if this is the case, I'm not meaning this as a criticism at all), then skip it--but it's worth at least considering.

 

[Thomas Rogers]

Bill V, the lack of major colleges in your area might be the key. Many au pairs are young, college age, and they try to take night classes at local universities.



As I said earlier, our neighbors three doors down have had several au pairs. We became quite close to one of them. She and my wife became very good friends. This young lady was from Belarus and she marveled at all the "riches" the people in our country had. One day, when talking to my wife she broke down and cried. It seems that the stipend that her host family was paying her really wasn't enough for her classes, gas and upkeep for the "beater car" she had, etc, and she asked if my wife would consider her as a babysitter when we needed, for those nights she had off. My wife felt a little awkward over the idea, but said she would consider it, but made it clear to the young lady that the care of her host family's children must come first (we did not want to get in the middle of anything).



She baby-sat for us several times, and my wife ALWAYS overpaid her (which I was cool with).



She has earned her degree, moved on from that family, and has a full-time teaching job in a Philadelphia area school.



The au pair program is a positive one from our experience.



Oh, another friend of mine I used to work with has one small kid, he and his wife are in their early thirties, and pursuing careers heavily, and they got an au pair...and she is MEGA HOT and Eastern European...another perk of the program.



TJR

 

[Thomas Rogers]

I would love it if my wife made the money I make and I could stay at home. Especially now with the kids in school. First thing is I would figure out how the household budget could allow me to have a laundry service...not a maid service, but a laundry service. I don't mind cleaning, but I can't deal with laundry. 2nd, I would keep the house spotless, and I mean spotless, because I am a neat freak. 3rd, the kids would think I was a drill sargent when it comes to after school. They would probably not like it. Whenever "mom" is away for a few days, they can't wait for her to return. I put them to work.



I am a man that takes pride in whatever I do. If my major contribution could be taking care of the house and the kids, then I would do the best I can at that important job.



TJR

 

[Tom Schindler]

If my wife made douglt the money I make, I would not have a problem being a house husband. I could cook, clean, and still have enought time for 9 holes of golf and a stop by the local fishing hole.





Tom

 

[Thomas Rogers]

When I read Q's comments I am reminded of the old saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water".



Yes, Q's acerbic post makes it easy to dismiss, but generally speaking, Q is correct and more people should heed his advice.



No one can and will do as good a job nurturing and raising a child through their formative years (birth to 3yo) than their parents. However, some parents just can't do that, financially, and both spouses have to work lest the family falls apart. I am sure Q doesn't begrudge such situations. But when it comes down to a choice between sacrificing financially, and temporarily relaxing a standard of living for what is best for the child, then the decision should be pretty easy to make.



But Travis asked a specific question and we should try not to lecture him on that which he is no doubt well aware.



TJR

 

[Bill V]

Q doesn't seem to realize that for many people, going to a single income, and thus reducing the standard of living, doesn't mean foregoing a big-screen TV. It means selling a home, or going without basics like food and clothing. (And I'm not talking restaurants or designer clothing, either.)

So that means $$$ is more important than your children?

No--that means that money is a major factor when determining what action is best for your children. If it wasn't a factor, then my wife and I would BOTH stay home to raise our kids. (And then we could criticize Q for selfishly going to work instead of staying at home to raise his kids with his wife.)

However, some parents just can't do that, financially, and both spouses have to work lest the family falls apart. I am sure Q doesn't begrudge such situations.

That's something I disagree with you on, TJR--I get the strong feeling that Q does, indeed, begrudge such situations. He dislikes and criticizes anything that is different than him--be it different financial situations, different life experiences, different thoughts on parenting techniques, different opinions on any subject--basically, anything that forces him to consider a possibility other than his own personal vaccuum. To most people, "different" just means "different". To him, "different" means "wrong".

Q out.

A dream of many of us.

 

[Thomas Rogers]

All good points, Bill V.