(Warning- continued thread hijack with long post about workplace dynamics)
Fast Eddie,
I guess you and I may have a different definition of humiliation.
Being dressed down by a boss, even if not deserved, isn't necessarily humiliating. I've been counseled, respectfully, for things that weren't my fault several times. It's annoying. It's frustrating, but it, if done respectfully it isn't humilating.
If a boss calls you "stupid", or an "idiot", then sure, that is degrading and if done in front of others can be humiliating.
Also, for me, humilation is an "emotion of choice", a lot like anger. I get to choose what makes me angry and what makes me feel humilated. I keep that power...I don't give it to others. It is a truly liberating, emotionally mature place to be when one can really do that. That's not to say there aren't things that set me off...there are. More and more, though, as I age, I recognize that what used to make me angry, or feel humilated was mostly about ME, not about what others did.
I've seen parents smack the ever lov'in crap out of their kids in public and say those words "you won't humiliate me in public". Frankly, the actions of the parents, not the child in such cases are what makes the parents look bad.
Regarding your P.S. (if you still feel like reading...)
I am a very fair person, have been a respected "boss" for years, working in organizations with peer and employer reviews of superiors of which I always score highly. I have worked for top 100 organizations with formal training on handling employees effectively.
I respectfully asked you to be introspective in my "read between the lines" comment because your post talked twice about having contempt for bosses that haven't walked your shoes or don't know as much as you do. I can understand and appreciate that.
However, consider this. The reality of this world is that many will work for superiors that don't have the same background as them, and don't know as much about the jobs that their people do as the people that do those jobs. Many people today find that hard to handle. regardless, we have a very dynamic workforce now. People are changing jobs, even careers more often than ever. Gone are the days that a company is filled with people that all started at the bottom, and based on merit and skills, worked their way into supervisor and management positions. We have a different dynamic now.
However, that dynamic alone does not necessarily mean that the "bosses" can't be good, and can't be effective.
When I read between the lines of your post, I got that vibe. I was honest and constructive enough to point it out, and I did so in a respectful way. It wasn't meant as an attack. I can tell you that, but your response leads me to believe that you felt attacked. I can't completely influence how you feel about things (which is kind of a basis for what I am describing in our disconnect).
Here is an on-point story:
I had a "run in" with one employee I was leading on a project several years ago. We had a difference of opinion on how something should be done. He was an employee with the company for 15 years...me, relatively new, less than 2 years. He was an ex-Navy guy, nearing retirement, working in IT the past 20 years and in the military almost 20 years before that. I respected him. I treated him respectfully and professionally. But we had different viewpoints on how things should be done. We discussed those differences. We tried to come to compromises, but he was stuck on his position, me on mine. Ultimately I "made the call" and he was absolutely bent out of shape by that. He called me on the phone, dropped tons of f-bombs, laced with other tough talk and words to "show how long his peter was". Bottomline, I never got angry. I never returned his disrespect with the same, but at the same time, I wasn't going to be bullied by his drama.
Whether I made the "right call" or not isn't really the issue. (I did...time acted as proof). The issue was that for that project I was the lead, he was the subordinate, and at a certain point in time, some times, the call must be made and then people have to get in line behind it. An ex-military guy, if all people, should be able to appreciate that fact.
But for this guy, since I didn't have the tenure, didn't walk his shoes, and wasn't seeing things his way, I was wrong, I was a jerk, and I shouldn't be allowed to "make the call.". I'm not projecting...he told me these things.
Had my call made things go south, I would have taken the blame. As it ended, however, the project went well, and I publically and in formal reviews gave the employee in question credit and praise for his part in making the project a success. HOWEVER, after the project was over, in private and off the record, I let the employee know that I would have been within my rights to put a letter in his employee profile, documenting his early insubordination and unprofessional conduct. I told him I didn't because I wanted to have a good working relationship with him.
He and I worked well together from that point on. For him, it was as if I had to prove worthy of both his respect and my authority over him. Personally, I find that to be crap. The workplace is just that. It's not some little highschool click. When assigned or presented with a new boss one should instantly respect and do what that boss says...not necessarily without input or question.
Oh, btw, that employee I mentioned, he was laid-off a year later. 6 years later I am still with the company, continuing to play key, lead rolls. That ex-employee thought he was Gods gift to the company and that the company couldn't run without him. There was a time, when the company was small, and mostly filled with the same core set of people since it started, he was right. But as the company grew, and as the workplace changed (and more and more people started moving in and out of the company) he found, and the company found, that this guy simply wasn't that great an employee. There were others outside the company that were simply much better. That's a bitter pill for some.
TJR
