young children at our wedding issue... Help... (sorry long)

[Josh Langel]

When I was a child I attended weddings... no choice, but I did.



Kids are part of life and do represent family.



Some people can be very personal with their kids (they should), so when their child is excluded, they feel excluded. It's natural. But, they should be adults about it and respect your wishes.

 

[Ryan D]

I think the bottom line is . . IT IS YOUR WEDDING . .make it how YOU want it. If anyone else has a problem with it, they can make their wedding how they want . .

 

[Tom Schindler]

Todd,



Theresa and I got married on September 30, 2006. We had kids at both the wedding and reception.



It was so great watching those little kids dancing on the dance floor. None of the kids acted life fools and all were well behaved. When everyone was tired of dancing, the kids were still out there having fun. Looking back, that was one of the best memories we had during our reception.



We wouldn't trade it for the world.



With that being said, it is your wedding day. You decide what you want for your wedding.



Be prepared that some people will not be happy with your decision. You might not care if they attend or not. Be prepared, you marry Rachel, you are also married to her family.



As I said before, it is your wedding. For Theresa and myself, we would not trade those kids not being there for nothing in this world.





Tom

 

[Mike Wilson]

I'll make it quick and painless. Been through this, myself (twice):



It is Yours and your Bride-To-Be's Wedding Day, not a Chuckie Cheese Fest!!!

Hold your ground!!!

 

[Robert Poole]

Do it how you want. I had some children at my wedding and it caused a bit of a bruhaha when one of the brats threw birdseed right into my brand new wife's face and laughed. I stopped the walking out to the car after the wedding and tore the kids head off. his parents were offended and I didn't care, some of the parents are too permissive(that was the problem here). She was actually hurt by the birdseed, it had gotten into her eyes and scratched one of the contacts lenses. At the wedding no kids...reception have kids if that is your choice. Kids can't handle the wedding...too boring for them. We have been invited to a couple of weddings and we make arrangements for a sitter for my 4 year old. I love my son to the ends of the world, I would die for him, I also would kill to defend him, that being said, will not force my son's occasional bad manners on other people. He is 4 years old and 4 year old havn't learned all the manners to function in polite society. the end result is that it is your day and you have it how you want.



Have a good one



Bob

 

[Dave Wu]

My vote is: It is your day, if no children, then NO children. I have been married for over 20 years and we had a rather large wedding 500 people (yeah I know, hard to believe I would even know that many people...LOL). We had children for the ring bearer and flower girl (my neice and nephew), that was it. When we sent invitations out, we invited the adults and did not include any of the children on the invite. Though we had some RUDE people bring their children, all in all it was pretty calm. The nephew and neice graduate this year from college and I am glad they were part of our wedding (makes me feel old...oh that's right I am old...LOL). In conclusion (sorry I am so winded) It is YOUR day. Set the rules and be done with it! Please let us know the outcome.......

 

[peter barone03]

Todd,



When my wife and I got married we were in a simular situation, I had 2 girls from my first marriage who were flower girls, my wife had a neice who was also a flower girl.

Relatives on both side wanted to bring their kids and we told them no because we were limited in how many people we could have.Our solution for this was about a month after we were married we held a family BBQ and invited everyone to part take in the festivities including the kids.

We took a ration of do-do for our choices but everything seemed to smooth out shortly after the BBQ. Just a thought.



Pete

 

[Johnny O]

Your day, your wedding. That said, IMO it depends a lot on the kids. If you know they are well-behaved, then pick your battles. Let 'em in and don't worry about it. If they are spoiled brats, then don't and let the brothers be pissed. Most weddings today, kids under about 10 are not invited.

Can't get off work? What does that have to do with it? :blink:

Some of my best memories as a child were going to assorted cousins' weddings but then I came from a pretty strict Italian family and we all knew to have respect and act right.

 

[Jerry Johnson]

Todd,



Do what we did at our wedding. We hired the church nursury workers to watch the kids. It only cost us like $5.00/hr (been awhile ago). They entertained the kids and the parents were able to attend the wedding without having to find some place to dump their kids. If your relatives still will nopt come then I would consider giving in. Its just not worth the possible long term damage. Yes it is your wedding and they should respect your feelings but in the end it is just one day out of thousands that you will half to deal with them. I would recommend trying to keep the peace.



my 1 cents worth.



Jerry

 

[Jim Reeves]

Of course it is your wedding, so you get to set the rules. Because of that, you have to be willing to have those who can't or won't abide by those rules not be there. It's just as easy for someone to say you are being selfish for excluding them as it is for you to say they are being selfish for not leaving the kids at home and coming anyway, not that either is true. Jerry's idea about the church nursery sounds quite level headed and smart. People are often offended when you exclude their kids, even when there is good reason to do so.

 

[Greg Stuhlsatz]

If you invite the kids and one acts up, believe me you will remember that for the rest of your life. Yes you will remember the bad things on your wedding day. You want to remember the good things on your wedding day. This is your wedding and if the family cared enough they will abide to your wishes.

 

[Thomas Rogers]

I like what Jerry said and it is in-line with what I said.



Assuming the church is somewhat near the reception, the encourage your family to bring kids to the wedding and set-up some type of baby sitting service so the adults can have fun at the reception. I think that's a great compromise, and if the family members that don't like it can keep their kids home for both with their own sitter.



TJR

 

[Richard L]

I attended a wedding when I was six years old. I don't even know who's wedding it was but I had fun and looked forward to attending other weddings.



I'm not sure why you don't want kids at your wedding, but that is your perogative. I just don't think that you should let this issue come between brothers, sisters and other family members. If you want them to come, be the bigger man and accept their children, and don't make a big issue out of it. Don't start a marriage by alienating family members.



...Rich

 

[Bill V]

Weddings are about family. Family includes all generations--From great-great-grandparents to great-great-grandchildren. They all should be welcome. I've never been to a wedding that didn't allow them, and I've never seen a child interupt or do something significantly inappropriate at one. (Some things have happened, but they fall more in the category of "cute/humorous" than "disruptive".)



I don't buy that you're concerned about the cost involved with inviting the kids. If you were that concerned, you wouldn't have booked a place that charges $175 per person My wife and I were married fall of 2005, and I don't remember any wedding reception facility anywhere in our area charging anywhere near that exhorbitant of a fee. If you're willing/able to pay that amount for 100 guests just for the reception hall, then clearly the cost of your wedding isn't a major concern.



Invite the kids. In some way that you can't fathom at this point, they'll likely provide you with the best memories of the event. You claim that it's "your day, and you would like it the way you want it"--I disagree. You don't want it to be the way you want it--you want it to be the way that provides the best long-term memories, regardless of what you *think* you might want now. And I say with full confidence that that involves inviting the kids.



One of the fondest memories of my own wedding is my then-3-year-old niece, who was our flowergirl. During the rehearsal she kept grabbing huge handfuls of flowers and tossing them rapidly--and her basket was empty by the time she got 1/3 of the way down the aisle. So we explained to her that she had to do it more slowly, and save the flowers. So during the actual ceremony, she kept reaching into her basket, pulling out about three petals at a time, dropping them lightly, then she'd take a few steps--and decide that she wasn't saving enough petals, turn around, pick up two of the petals she had dropped, and put them back in her basket. She did this the entire way down the aisle, getting laughs the entire way. Is this the type of "disruption" you're trying to avoid? Because it's moments like those that make weddings great.



Just curious--do you and Rachel have any plans to have kids of your own at any time? Because if you are, but you have this negative position about having children at an event as important in your lives as your wedding, I highly suggest reconsidering those plans. If you can't handle having other people's kids, under their parents' supervision, participate in your lives for a few hours, then you're definitely not ready to have your own kids, without outside supervision, participating in your lives 24/7...

 

[Albert Basulto]

My wedding party (groomsmen and bridesmaids) consisted entirely of children. The reception had kids everywhere. The event was video taped and photographed. The children provided some of the most memorable moments.



During the service, my nephew, 4yrs old, who some might consider a distraction or a nuisance, put into words what I could not at the moment my wife to be walked in in her wedding dress. "Achoo (her nickname) beautiful". It, for me, remains the strongest memory of the day.



It would be a shame to exclude those moments.



STogie

 

[Jenn D]

Todd, I just got back from my honeymoon yesterday. Scott and I were married on the 16th. We had a very small wedding, only 30 guests. Two of his brothers have children, two of which are in the terrible two's.



Having said that, I am against having children at weddings pretty much for the same reasons you mentioned. Scott is of the "kids are part of the family too" appeal, which I can also see. However, given that our wedding was small, I agreed to let children attend.



During the ceremony, apparently the one that I refer to as a spoiled brat, acted up. I say apparently because I didn't hear/see it. I was so in the moment, that I didn't even notice that he had to be removed from the area. Scott's brother was good to take him away as to not disturb us, but even when he first started I didnt' hear it. Then, during the reception, we were so busy meeting and greeting and dancing and eating that we really didn't notice the kids again, until they hit the dance floor, which was a bit hectic, but fun to watch.



All in all, I still believe that children do not need to be there, especially ones that are too young to appreciate what is happening and control themselves. I truly feel that if you are 100% against it, you need to stand your ground. On the other hand, you need to be prepared for any reprocussions that standing your ground might bring.



Best of luck to you! A wedding will be what you make of it. If you believe it's going to be wonderful, regardless of kids, then it will be!



Congrats!

Jenn

 

[Thomas Rogers]

I wasn't going to get started on the $175 per person. I respect your choices, ToddZ, and I suspect you guys are paying for most of this yourself, but the $175/person shouldn't be a reason NOT to have kids. You choose to have or not have the kids for other reasons, then plan the event around that. Sure, it's your day, but kids are simply another "special needs" group, that you either value and include in your wedding and reception or don't. And if you don't, that's okay...it is up to you.



This thread reminds me a little of Olaf girlfriends ashes. Ultimately a lot of people chime in with platitudes like: "It's what she wanted"..."honor her by doing what she wanted". Here, the platitude is: "It's your special day!".



Well that's all great, but the reality is that we have to live with friends and family every day, for the rest of our lives, not just that "special day." In life we can choose to cater to our needs and largely dismiss others and what is important to them, but that ultimately is a losing proposition. Whether you like it or not, regardless how much planning you have done, there will be at least a half dozen things that go wrong that special day, and each little disaster will make it special and memorable in its own way.



Regardless what you do, it will send a message one way or the other. If it were me, I would try to send a message that indicates there is a place for kids in the celebration, but a time and place that you define.



TJR

 

[Mark Grumpy]

No kids. Other people here say a wedding is for family, all family. That's crap. A wedding is for two people, and two people only. The law requires someone to officiate and another for a witness. Total of 4 requiredat a wedding. The party, sometimes referred to as a reception, is a party. Adults only.



grump

 

[Rick Kent]

I was young once.... I understand your point of view but have to disagree.



I agree with Bill V and the others that support kids being included. Kids are part of the family. When you have your own it will be more clear why they should be included.



I question how this will affect the brothers/sisters/guests who's kids are excluded. From what I read, some are travelling from out of town. Having been to many out of town weddings, there aresignificant costs to many guests. Excluding children add another burden to these out of town guests.



When you have your own kids you will be inviting many of these same people to their birthday, communions, graduations, etc... they will remember.



My youngest was excluded from a cousins wedding. I have not forgotten. I do no make any special effort to participate in their events. (I do not rearrange my schedule to accomodate them but do not go out of my way to ignore them either).



Weddings are about creating a new union, including the families of both participants.



Since it is your wedding, you have the right to make these decisions. Consider them carefully and be prepared for any consequences that may arise.



Good luck and best of wishes to the two of you.

 

[Bill V]

Todd--You say you're up against this 100 person "limit". Have you sent out invitations yet, and started receiving RSVPs? Because if you haven't, you really have no idea how many people will be showing up. If you're only inviting 100--or even 150--odds are you're going to have less than 100 people in attendance, in which case you'll have plenty of room to invite the kids and still be under your count. Also, how is the 100 person limit determined? Most wedding reception locations realize that you don't really know the exact quantity of people attending the wedding until just a few days before the event--and sometimes, not until the day of the event--and are able to adjust accordingly. And it sounds like your location realizes this, as there is a per-person price, rather than just a set, inflexible package price. So unless that's a limit set by the fire marshall or something like that, the "limit" should really be thought of as a "target".